a word
I have been called many things
But timid hurts me the most
I’m shy yes i’m quiet yes
But I don’t want to be scared
Of things unknown and
People leaving
Timid hurts me because
He didn’t like who I was
And I realized I didn’t like me either
new year
and words have failed me
throat constricts eyes water its all just a pathetic merry go round of emotional destructiveness i almost crashed and burned yesturday when you showed me the picturegirl they wanted to set me up withi guess thats what i deserve for being so passive shy awkward unapproachable stupid obsessive blinded but when your heart hits the floor along with the brakes its time to get the show on the road grow up or get out b new year new me
nothing matters school sucks work sucks life sucks just another teen blog until somebody gets hurt and he looks at me andi didnt do anything thoughwords have failed me im a sucker for your attention just pull me to you notice when im sad but please stay or ill just
arms around her shoulder and god fuck me why i am an option a second choice why bother with one when you can have your cake and eat it too why bother when youre so cute and im so horny and fuck sex ironic aint it i pledge my loyal adherence to not giving a fuck when no one gives a fuck about me and they dont know they get angry they make you feel like shit well son thats what growing up feels like no one really cares didnt you know that
people, they dont understand me they dont know why i feel so low why i hate everyone and everything and most of all myself why cant you be happy theres no reason for you to be sad none at all listen just breathe cut if out man you can be better if you tried dont you know ive always been this way ive always cried in the shower ive always been stuck in the past ive always been riddled with nervous energy and guilt and apprehensiveness and shame and ugly ugly ugly and i try to tell you the source of all my thoughts and dreams and yet words have failed me
i can see now how easy it is for people to kill themselves
the problem with being alone is …
not good enough
ive been told that in some way shape or form from when i was a naive little girl til now it never ends never ever ever ever
not ‘something’ enough
not loud enough B, you gotta speak up, how else will people see the true you, how else will you make friends? you’re too quiet, can’t you speak? I bet you don’t even know how to read, I bet you can’t even speak english, look at her, she’s so stupid, she can’t even raise her hand in class though she knows the answer she’s a coward she’s scared
not smart enough B, don’t you want to be something in life? don’t you want to make me and your dad proud? you’re wasting your life partying and drinking, why don’t you focus on school? forget about boys and friends and goddamn shopping and reevaluate your life B, you’re getting older and times are getting rougher and you think me and dad are going to take care of you forever? you’re on your own after graduation kid
not pretty enough B, not beautiful not cute nothing. ugly and trying to cover it up with nice clothes and long hair and skinny bones you cant be ugly and fat B (unless i mean i already am so). no one likes you, no one would dare love you for who you are because you have a shitty personality to go along with your shit looks kids tell the truth listen up elementary school high school that’s where the definition of beautiful was made and you don’t fit it B. people sneering at you turning their heads away voices of disgust at your face (do you think that feels good?)
i hurt everyone who cares about me - quality over quantity folks - he loves me but i cant give him what he wants im not a decent enough person to make his shitty life an iota less fucking horrible by loving him i cant im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
i will never be a successful lawyer teacher business woman doctor ill be that horribly messed up adult that will make relatives breathe a sigh of relief on being a no show at family gatherings
i deserve nothing because what have i done to deserve anything? i don’t deserve his love, or any ones love probably why my current paramour isn’t a love at all, its a one-sided affair and i cant and wont EVER want someone after this as much as i want this person, i will NEVER succumb to the foolishness of infatuation and lust and like and love again, i don’t ever want to go through this again and if that means being alone, id rather be fucking alone
